What’s the amazing thing, you ask? It’s a red maple tree that is flowering outside my house right now. That’s not amazing, you say? Well, have you considered the fact that every one of those flowers is a sex organ? I don’t mean that as a metaphor. That’s literally what they are. Inside every bloom […]

When I saw the car approaching in the distance, a familiar mixture of concern and wishful thinking soaked into me. As they got closer, the concern turned to spite and the hope that they’d slow down drained away. I squared my body up to them. I wanted them to see the look of disapproval on […]

The love I feel for my kids is measured on an astronomical scale. I look into their eyes and I’m launched into hyperspace, soaring through the astral planes of consciousness, one with all that is, was, and all that isn’t. Lightyears are insufficient to describe how far I would go for them. I gaze into […]

In seventh grade, I decided to study the effects of ultraviolet light on plants. I chose that topic because I was really into the idea of mutation. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. X-Men. The cultural idiom at the time that radiation gives you superpowers and not, you know, a slow and agonizing death. So I bought […]

Gus needed an MRI when he was four months old. (Spoiler: he’s fine, everything turned out fine.) Our options were to either inject him with radioactive dye for imaging or do an MRI without anesthesia. As great as it sounded to turn our son into a human glow stick, we opted for the MRI. The […]

A Retraction Old Man Winter and I have had our ups and downs. As a kid I loved him. Then I was an anti-winter curmudgeon for 15 years. Then I tried to use him to biohack me into a better person. Since having kids, though? I’m a straight up hater again. It’s not even the […]

I’m sitting on the floor of our bedroom sorting through a basket of random crap. Gummy bears. Two nickels that are mysteriously stuck together. Box cutters. Three kinds of tape, which prompts me to form a tape pile. At least 20,000 yards of dental floss. Inexplicably two “sunrise” alarm clocks that are supposed to wake […]

The best gift we ever received (gift as in “object given for free,” anyway) came completely out of nowhere. A few years ago, before Mae was born, we invited some new neighbors over to the farm to meet the alpacas. At one point, the mom asked if we had any alpaca wool she could buy. […]

I swear the end of the year feels like riding in a mine cart downhill with no brakes. One minute it’s August 25th. It’s too hot. The kids are feral, running on hot dogs and popsicles. And you’re thinking, maybe summer won’t end this year. Then you blink, and it’s Halloween. You blink again, and […]

The week before Thanksgiving, our house briefly became a full-blown disaster zone. Our fourteen-month-old had already powered through six ear infections in his first year of life. In an effort to avoid nuking his entire microbiome with antibiotics, we decided to move forward with ear tube surgery. As surgeries go, it’s minor. But it’s still […]