Family Photos, Stress, and Why Connection Beats Control

I ruined every family photo we ever took.

From age zero to… well, probably beyond when it was still age-appropriate. For a solid stretch, I was intentionally making faces because I thought it was funny. Humor has always been my coping strategy, which, in this case, meant turning stress into slapstick.

And those photo sessions were stressful.

Every year we’d visit my mom’s side of the family in California, and my grandmother Ivone, one of the kindest and most loving people I’ve known, would transform into a screeching drill sergeant (or, pardon the dad joke, a “shrill sergeant”).

Imagine Gordon Ramsay with a perm yelling, “STAND STILL! LOOK HAPPY! NOW!” while half the family blinked in terror.

It wasn’t until much later that I realized what was really going on. She wasn’t trying to control us because she was mean. She was trying to hold on.

She wanted the photo to look the way she felt about her family: full of love, togetherness, and pride. But when we want something deeply and fear we might lose it, we tend to grip tighter. We go into control mode. And sometimes that control makes the moment we’re trying to preserve slip even further away.

Looking back, I can see how her stress triggered mine. Her trauma response met my coping mechanism, and together we produced a long series of truly terrible photos.

Family Gatherings: Wonderful and Complicated

Family gatherings can be like that. Wonderful and complicated at the same time. Even when everyone gets along, a “family photo” is rarely the highlight of the visit.

But it can be something different. It can be relaxed. Connected. Even… kind of fun.

That’s what I try to bring to every extended family session: not just technical skill, but a calm presence that makes the experience feel good while it’s happening.

Because the best photos don’t come from control; they come from connection.

To read more about my extended family photo sessions, click here.